We’ve lived more than 9 years here in Duluth. That’s the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere in my entire 38 years. It’s hard to say good-bye. We truly thought we’d call Duluth home forever and it’s hard to find out it’s not going to be; to pack up and find ourselves finding a home in a new, unfamiliar area of the country. I am a completely changed person than I was 9 years ago. I was 29 with a newborn when we moved here. I’m now nearing forty, with a teenager driving, a middle schooler and a 9 year old.
Some stream-of-consciousness ramblings from my nearly-middle-aged brain as I set out on a new adventure.
1. I am fiercely loyal to my friends. That has always been true, but is even more so after this season here in Fond du Lac. If I have told you I love you, I will love you and defend you til my death. I will sacrifice my personal reputation and comfort for my friends.
2. On the opposite side of this I’ve discovered what a true friend is; and is not. If you say you are my friend but in the end don’t bother to hear my story, remain loyal to me or support me in crisis, I will drop you like a hot potato. I’ve learned a true friend supports you through thick and thin and you can say anything and they will listen to you. A true friend will love you will all your faults and is there at a moments notice. A true friend believes the best about you. I don’t need or have the time and energy for the drama of false friends. See ya later.
3. I have a voice. For many years I was afraid to speak my mind in my own home. I’ve learned that in order to have a marriage that works, you have to be honest. You have to be true to who you are and let the chips fall where they may. You have a voice, a dream that matters, and a personality that is all your own. It’s a gift to cherish.
4. I still hate to be cold. More than almost anything in the world I hate being cold. Not in the way like born and bred Minnesotans say, “Oh I hate the cold,” but being cold feels painful to me. And yet I’ve also learned how to thrive and adapt in the cold. I’ve learned to snowshoe, cross country ski and downhill ski. But, I still hate to be cold. SmartWool is my friend. And so is summer.
5. My love for shoes has only grown. There must be a drug in shoes. All I know is I’m addicted. If buying shoes is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
6. I’ve always identified myself as a “Christian.” And yet my faith has been rocked these past few years. Those who identify themselves that way have been the most spiteful, mean, gossiping people I’ve ever met in my life and have made our lives a literal living hell. And others who don’t necessarily wear any label at all except that of a good friend and neighbor have been the most kind, generous, loving and Christian people I’ve known. Here’s what I know for sure: Jesus is the Son of God and he died on the cross for my sins. Can we agree to disagree on the rest and quit being so spiteful? If being a “Christian” means I have to be in one group or the other, I choose the friends and neighbors who have had my back this year. God knows everyone’s hearts and you know, when you think about that, that’s a scary thing.
7. I’m not perfect. Whoa, shocking revelation, huh? I’ve always been a perfectionist and beat myself up when I’ve failed. But, I’ve failed big time these past few years. And my friends and family still love me. Wow.
8. I’m stronger than I think. I can handle way more than I ever thought possible. More physical hardship. More emotional hardship. I can bloom where I’m planted and stand on my own two feet. I am the hero in my own story.
9. Sometimes life turns upside down and completely not the way you thought it would. Things happen to you and your family that you never would have chosen for them. Being out of control of your life is sometimes not something you would choose, but it happens. I can’t protect my kids, but I can prepare them. I can do everything I can to help them be the strongest they can be for life’s ugly circumstances. Life just plain old sucks sometimes. I hate that I can’t make my kids life all rosy, but I can always, always be there for them. I am their Mom, I brought them into this world and I’m responsible to help them through the best way I know how. I have to accept I’m going to fail at that task too sometimes, but we’re all doing the best we can together.
10. Everything happens for a reason. ‘Nuff said.
11. Wearing a mask never works. We tried that one here in our family for a lot of years and eventually the facade cracks. The pastor’s family is a family just like yours. We have major issues. We come to the edge of divorce. We fight. We make mistakes. We learn and grow and change through them. But pretending everything’s ok when it’s not only hurts and makes things worse. Being honest with everyone around me is freaking people out right now, but it’s been so liberating! I highly recommend honesty.
12. The fishbowl life is not for me. I’ve done it for 16 years and I’m through. Although I’m broken-hearted to leave such good friends, I can’t tell you how excited I am to just be a normal family. This will be the first time we’ve ever chosen where we want to live, what house we want to live in, the jobs we want to do, the church we want to go to and the friends we want to have. I’m a live wire and now it totally doesn’t freaking matter what I say, wear, do, go, talk to, etc. I can breathe again.
13. Having neighbors who are also your friends is something I have wanted my whole life and I finally had that here in Fond du Lac. That is a huge blessing I do not take for granted. In this day and age you often can’t trust those you live next door to, but here we have had the best neighbors, whose homes have been our homes. We’ve been family to them. I know I want that again, but I don’t know if I’ll ever have it. I was lucky here, and I’m grateful.
14. The last year especially has been our most difficult year. It has separated the sheep from the goats if you will. We’ve discovered our true friends. I think this quote by Henri Nouwen sums up the most important lessons I’ve learned here:
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.
